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Change is the only constant thing in life. My life has been a roller coaster for the past 5 years and I yearn for some kind of normalcy at least for a certain period of time. Things keep coming one after the other that there are times when I don't even get a breather between two events.
Something similar is happening right now. Last four weeks has been so emotional for me. And unfortunately this has nothing to do with my dad's demise. If it was because of my grief, at least I would blame my emotional ride on that. But there are issues that I am pulled into that I cannot come out of. I don't want to come out of it because it involves people I love. I have a feeling appa has put me in his place and is looking at me to see how I come out of this. I seek his guidance all the time and think how he would resolve this. I see a lot of appa in me as I go through my way of dealing with situation. I can see I am unable to take sides. I can only see what is right and what is wrong and not see who is right and who is wrong.
I keep asking questions why I am put through this. The 'Why Me' question has been a constant. Unless I change the situation, there is no way it is going to change by itself.
Yesterday there was a change in workplace too. I got swapped out with another worker from another team for project reasons. It was initially difficult for me to understand but by the end of the day I knew it was the best decision for the project. I started with my new team today and whatever little I have seen of the product, I am thrilled. I can see myself growing in that space. Maybe this is the best move for me. I may not have initiated any of this, but I am ok to embrace the change.
This was not easy before. I would get stuck on 'why me' for too long. Now I am able to get over the 'why me' much quicker. I keep asking 'why not'. That calms me down. In front of the bigger picture, these small changes don't hold importance as before. Does this mean I have calmed down from inside that such changes don't ruffle me for too long. If so, so be it.
Decision making is a tricky art. When growing up I was not aware of this integral part of life that in adult life I struggled to make decisions and be at peace with it. I was looking for others to tell me what to do because it was easier to follow than to lead. Growing up most of the decisions were taken by my parents and I felt it was the right thing for me. Even in a couple of instances when I had doubts and voiced them, at the end of it, somehow I could not rebel enough to get my wish.
Even after marriage, I struggled to make decisions. At least the major ones. It took me a long time to understand the importance of knowing to make decisions and being ok with the results. If the end result is favorable then you made the right decision, if it is not favorable it still teaches you a lesson of where you went wrong in the decision making process. Taking the blame for wrong decisions is the key part. Lot of people do not like to own the end result so shy away from decision making. It is easier to blame others in case of failure.
I am now comfortable making decisions. Though I struggle if I don't understand the situation fully, but most of the time I am ok with making one. Either you fail or you succeed. I am ok with both. But the comfort level I have with decision making makes me wonder if I am the same person I was not too long ago.
I am letting my kids make decisions and learn from mistakes so that they are not afraid to make decisions in life. I cannot be with them all the time nor do I want to make decisions for them all the time. I want to be the guide not the authority. Yes since they are young, we are responsible for their life but I am aware that I need to let go so that they will use their own wings to fly.
I know mothers who still want to control every decisions of their children even after marriage. Neither the mother understands the importance of letting go nor does the children understand the need to live their life in their own terms. The hardest part is for those people who are married into such family and struggle to make sense of such family dynamics. I am pretty sure such politics exists in every family in different degrees.
Decision making is not hard. You just need to be brave to face the consequences that comes out of it. Be happy if the decision worked out right and know how to fix the issues if decision did not work out as expected.
There are a few people in my life who blame other things/people/situations for their problems. These people never focus on their issues but would rather go around talking/gossiping about other's problems. Sometimes I feel such people focus on other's issues just to escape introspecting the issue on hand. It is easy to talk or point fingers about other people issues. When forced to confront with their own issues, these people try to blame others for their issues. That becomes even more easier than to figure out the cause of issue.
Unless a person changes because they want to bring about change, no one else can fix issues in one's life. You may provide perspectives, but unless the person realizes and wants to bring about the change, it is very difficult to fix the problem. It is almost like how counselors guide you through the process but will never make the decision for you. You have to make the decision since you have to be convinced with the decision you made as you are the one who is going to live with it.
I am not sure if it is immaturity or ego that stops people from introspecting their lives. What is causing stress? What is the cause of their misery? How to get out of that terrible mental state? They never realize that blame game never gets them anywhere. It is like the dog trying to catch its own tail. You go running around in circles but with no solution. Such people do not listen to others too easily. They think the others are trying to put the blame on them and become very defensive when help is offered. They make not only their own life miserable but also the people around them. No one is happy at the end of the day.
My dad always used to say 'look at the dirt on your butt before looking at others.' He was crass that way while making a point. It took me a while to understand that each of us are responsible for our own misery or happiness. Situations and people may present different hues in our lives, but what we choose to do with them is only under our control. Cutting out toxic people or situations is sometimes necessary for our mental peace. It becomes a difficult choice but needs to be done. Handling situations to help others see the issues requires tact which may sometimes backfire.
If people can work through their issues without their ego interfering then a lot of good can come out the situation. Arguments will become less noisy and more meaningful as issues are sorted out.
Too many thoughts going across the mind hence this terrible post. No coherence at all but this has to come out of my system for my own sanity.
When we were young, my dad used to cut our nails every Sunday. It was like a ritual for him to gather us kids around to trim our nails. I used to bite my nails till I was about 8 or 9 and used to get reprimanded by my dad every week since he would not find any nails on my fingers. I used to get a speech about how biting nails with teeth is not allowed in our house and that it is such a bad and yucky habit.
One night when I was 10, after I got into bed, which was a pai and thalagani because it was super hot in summer and minimum was always preferred, I felt something making its way up my ankle and leg. I shook my leg once and still felt something crawling up. I screamed and jumped out of my position and switched on the light to find out what was crawling up my leg. I was thinking more in the lines of cockroach or ant. What I found instead was a long big yellow and black centipede wriggling away from my pai. My mom quickly got a broom to sweep it away and threw it out of the house. I was trembling the whole time thinking of its size. My mom came back and told me that it was because of my nail biting habit (echai pannarathu) that we are getting all these critters in the house. After that day, I never bit my nails nor do I echai pannify. I will wash my hands immediately even if I have to do so. I still have a vivid memory of that black and yellow centipede. End of digression.
When I went to meet appa in January, I saw that his nails were little longer than he usually allows them to grow. I offered to cut his nails. I have done it for my grandpa and my father-in-law. So I thought he would also let me do it for him. He looked at his nails and said 'I can do it myself. I don't need you to do it for me'. Saying so, he got up and went to his office room where he usually kept his nail cutter and cut his nails. He came back to show me his nails and said 'I am capable of doing my own things. I will ask you when I am unable to do it myself.'
He wanted to do everything by himself and probably asked only my mom for certain things. What was under his control, he wanted to keep it in control and not give it up easily.
My dad read law books and law journals all the time. The only other books he read were Reader's Digest or an occasional Illustrated Weekly. He took care of his books well and expected the same from the people around him. He never liked us folding the corners of pages or inverting the book while taking a break. He said that the book spine gets weak if you invert an open book. He made book marks at home and used them for all his books. He cut wedding invitation card's decorative edges and made them into book marks. He encouraged us to use book marks and distributed them to others too.
My mom was mentioning this yesterday when she found a bunch of book marks while clearing out his desk. She was telling me how such small things make her remember him for the perfectionist that he was.
I have read this book. I have always wondered the kind of impact people leave in others life. Are people happy that you are dead or do they mourn for your death.
My dad was a lawyer who practiced till he was 79 and had to quit because of his knee pain and not because of he was ready to quit. The last two years he regretted not being able to work because of his knees and how he would rather be at court. How many people are fortunate to have a career like that. He completed 50 years of legal practice and had scores of clients. We never knew his life outside our house. He has never discussed with us his cases or whether he won a case or how his day at court went.
He worked in a leading law firm for 30 years before he started his own practice at home. The typist from that law firm came home to meet us. She was crying so much that we had to console her. The things she shared us made us realize the impact my dad had on her life and career. She was from a poor family of five girls. She had studied in tamil medium school and joined as a typist in this law firm. She had confided in my dad that she does not know English well and may make mistakes while typing. My dad, in his own signature way, had told her 'why are you worried. I will train you and take care of you.' She told us that he taught her how to type legal writ petitions, counter petitions, stay orders, and rambled off other numbers that we had no clue of. How he never dictated stuff but always wrote what needed to be typed. There was no need for rough draft. Everything was fair copy. That was how good he was with these documents. She said 'what I am today is only because of sir. Avar illana naan inniki onnume illa.' Even if he gave me 10Rs on Jan 1st, I got money for the rest of the year. He had asked her if she wanted sewing machine or table fan since Usha was one of his clients and he could get it for a cheaper rate for her.
She said how he was always punctual, coming to office, going to the court, or meeting clients. She said he had the most clients in the office. How he wished her every morning as soon as he entered the office. When her dad passed away, my dad had requested the law firm to pitch in to perform the last rites. He also gave money and she said that her dad's last rites would not have happened if not for my dad. We had no clue about this till she shared this with us. He lived by his motto 'what the right hand gives even the left hand should not know.'
He had recommended her to other lawyers in his firm and at the court so that she got more work. She recollected how well she was treated during sadhbhishekam and how my dad enquired personally on that day whether she had lunch. 'Antha mathiri oru manushana parkave mudiyathu. Sir than enakku deivam mathiri. Oru photo kudungo, I will keep it in my pooja room.'
Another typist from the court also had similar things to say about appa. How appa gave money when her son joined college and when his marriage got fixed. All these folks were invited for his sadhabhishekam and were given sarees.
It was so heartrending to hear all these anecdotes about appa. It is not enough to treat your clients well. It is important to treat your staff with respect and affection. We could see where these people held my dad in their heart. My brother and I had tears when she was recalling all these instances but at the same time felt so much pride too.
We knew our dad was generous to the fault. He raised us that way too. He would say 'the more you give, the more you get.' Never hold things for yourself if it can be of help to others. His teachings on generosity deserves a separate post.
Who will cry when I die...
I went home thinking I will experience the full extent of the grief of losing my dad. It was rather strange going home without my dad in his room. The ceremonies were kind of brutal. I broke down quite a bit when the priest explained the proceedings. My dad never liked anyone eating their rice rolled into balls. Even on a rare occasion when we did that, he would chide us not to eat like that. The 12 day ceremonies involved rolling rice into balls and I did not like to give my dad those rice balls.
My dad liked to eat good food but was a stickler to the quantity he ate. He always preached eating half stomach. During the 10th day ceremony, there were multiple items cooked and served on the same banana leaf and the belief is that that the soul will be fed up of eating so much food that it will depart. What was going through my mind was that my dad would hate seeing so much food served for him. On a rare occasion, if my mom offered to serve him one more serving than his usual quantity, he would say to my mom 'I cannot eat for your satisfaction. I can only eat for my satisfaction.' I was thinking, my dad would just get up and leave than to even attempt to eat all this food. He was very particular about the way he led his life. No one dare mess with him.
The helper who was with my dad the last 17 days visited and told me few instances of his conversation with my dad during those 17 days. He told me that dad cooperated with him the initial few days when he still had strength in his body. As he got weaker and weaker, my dad had told him once, 'you should never be dependent on others'. The helper said that dad had a quick temper. I told him, may be he was helpless so it came out as anger. Another instance my dad had told the helper 'unkitta vanthu ippadi mattinduttene.' The helper was a professional who has seen such people. My mom had only good words about the helper, how patient he was with appa. My dad maybe knew that he may not gain back the energy to get back to doing stuff by himself. He had always been independent in his life that he never wanted to be dependent on anyone for anything. Appa always got what he wanted. Maybe his end too the way he wanted and when he wanted.
So many memories, so many daily instances when we recall what appa would have said or done. He is in our conversations like always. Like he is in the bedroom sleeping. Like he is in his office room reading the newspaper.
I can write so many posts on him and I want to write all those in the coming days.
