There are few people in my life who just erode my self esteem and confidence. Every time I think of them or talk to them, they just pull me down. I have removed a few from every day life but when such people happen to be close family, it is very difficult to cut off completely. How to not remain unaffected is something I am still struggling to find a balance.
Even if I have not spoken or kept in touch with such a person for two years, all it takes is a phone call for them to spew venom again. It takes days for me to get out of that episode. My mind gets filled with garbage of the past incidents and how I could have reacted a different way or could have taken a strong stand against them. Something I may never do but the instances and incidents play non stop in my mind.
I have regained my pride and self esteem only in the past couple of years and don't want to lose it again. Even when I remain at a safe distance from the toxic people and have conditioned myself to not get affected, I am not there yet. Yes, I am able to bounce back much quicker, but the few days before I bounce back is hell. I am so filled with rage and self pity that I don't like myself much when I am in that state of mind.
When I pray, I sometimes struggle not knowing what to pray for. My peace of mind or asking to keep such people away from my life or clearing the darkness in my mind quickly. Whatever it is, I want to get back to normalcy soon.
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3 weeks ago